dont take this the wrong way world but love sucks. Wow. How new. It's stupid because people become stupid. It's like hypnozise. You can only do so to the willing, and all of us, each and every one of us wants security in life that someone will be there for us, and we'll just crumble for anyguy or girl who we can settle for. But here's the truth. We're not a fairy tale. Were not a happy ending, unless you make it. And you know how you cant make it? But watching, waiting, hoping. That's not gonna work all the time. They'll hurt you if you're so foolish to let them. Stop make youreselves vulnerable. Pathetic! And yes, I've dwelled in this murky river for two years, swimming and paddling, staying a float. You're waiting for the river to stop pushing. It wont. You're waiting for someone to pull you out, they wont. The only way you're gonna get out is if you pull yourself together and give it your all to reach the shore. No one's gonna help you, especially the river. but don't get me wrong, it might. you have a one in a billion chance. But just dont give them ten, don't just expect fate will hand it to you. I'll tell you what, the only thing fate will hand you will be a slap of shit. So pull yourself together and wake up. Im done trying. my words are right and prove so everytime. So maybe you should try listening. or just go hurt yourself again.

I'm tired of these broken hearts spewn across the floor
I'm tired of these aching souls that stop to only mourn
I'm tired of these little dreamers running fate to take its course
I'm tired of this watching of my friends non ending hurt

And I'm sorry If reality hits you square across the face
but in your ignorance and rage you'll still find yourself in space
I've got experience in love, hopeless is as hopeless do
so you better hope you've got the sense to listen up to truth

he wont love you she wont love you
take the facts hard rash and cold
Its only for your protection
he would hurt you, leave you old

if he gets with you he'll injure you
and she's a venom's curse
wont you listen when I help you?
are you dense? I'm playing nurse!

and I'm sick of all this wanting and this whining
And this wishing and these lies
Little lies you tell yourself
to get through sleep at night

and this is my final time to say: listen to your friend
if you don't pull your ownself out, you'll be damned untill the end
take my words and read these lines
only truth remains inside
don't be foolish
don't be coy
life's worth no girl or boy.

I think my OA isn't my OA anymore. Through recent times I've found myself doubting two constants in my life. the first that I will always love my oa, and second that when i don't begin to feel that way, he comes back to make me feel it worse. But I don't know him. I don't know who he is anymore. I don't know what he thinks or his motivation, but I know what he'll do. And now, I know that I'm really nothing to him...and I think...I think he's nothing to me.

I have a complex ideal of love and hope. I return and regress to ideas of he and I. such uneeded anger. it confuses me-why did I care? now, do not be mistaken that I dont care now-but he was once so crippling. the thoughts of him could stop me still. yet now he fleetingly crosses my mind. I'm sorry to say that I doubt that will quell completely. knowing my luck he'll appear the day after he disappears from my mind-that's just the way it goes for me. But maybe the next time he appears I can show him who I am...not the gawkish girl that once I was, blushing at his name and staring discreetly. I want to look him in the eye and talk with cool poise. I want to make him feel foolish. I want him to feel flustered. I want him to know that I'm fine. And for him to think that with out me he wont be.

click click click. Another notch added to the list. *nods*
No physical contact. Alright. I can do that. wait. I need physical contact. That's right. I live on physical contact. You confuse me. Not you, the reader, but the object of my affection. I hate him. I love him. laughable really. Why can't I touch you? Not you, the reader, but he, my OA. What was I doing? flirting? yes, usually you use your body language to hint that. But obviously flirting with you through words and a computer is the only way to go! Not in a pool when I look hot (and I do look hot) and people are around. Absurd! I've touched you! absurd! you've enjoyed it. absurd! HEaven! I've picked a winner! I've picked a winner alright. The one who doesn't want to touch me the one that doesn't want to care. Don't get attached again, jessica, you know he'll leave soon. You know you'll be alone again.